I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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