no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
