He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
