Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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