Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
