jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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