Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
