hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
