remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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