Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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