I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
