her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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