textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
