how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
