Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
