My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
