Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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