i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My liver just had a heart attack.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
