Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
