I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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