just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
