So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
