I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
