So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
