its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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