Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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