so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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