Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
