____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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