You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
