just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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