8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
