So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
