I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
