Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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