I wish I only lived at night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Randomize
