I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
