Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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