So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
