when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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