In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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