I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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