so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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