My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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