Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
