I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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