I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
