i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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