Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
