i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
