whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
