Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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