it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
