Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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