it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
