I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
